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Courtney [userpic]

so it's been a while

January 27th, 2009 (01:33 pm)
cynical
Tags:

New Thing: cynical


indeed it has been a while.

and i am a comletely different person posting here now than i was 27 weeks ago. I don't know if that's good or bad. I feel like i've completely lost my identity - and passion for that matter. but i'm not so hormonal. not so confused. more realistic. less argumentative. not so insane. but i still do have my moral issues though. which i have been curing over today which is awkward. today is just akward. i don't like it. i don't like the way i feel but i know i can't really change it for today because i haven't solved the problem thats been nagging at me today. i would like to say that most of my problems somehow are a result of the internet. i dunno. i'm still so insecure and unsure. i know where i want to go. but i don't know where i am. which is odd.   I really don't know where i want to go. i have an idea tho. i always have two sides pulling on me. I wish i could be comfortable as the outlandish rockstars are in doing things we wouldn't consider 'innocent'. i kind of have that bad edge to me i guess. but i have always wanted to keep the innocent quality. which brings up the topic of sex. im still a virgin. i'm okay with that. i'm happy about that. but there's still dilemmas of the who and when. i don't know why i'm concerned. no boyfriend. sooo.... there's nothing pressing.... it is pretty pathetic that i don't have a boyfriend. i'd like to think it's because i close people off. or i'm just picky (which i truly am) i'd like to not think it's beause i'm insane or nagging. or lame. or just a poor unexciting character. so. i don't have a boyfriend. and never have. i'm not gay so don't go there. i feel very uncomfortable. it's not 'i'm single and loving it'. it's not 'i'm single and i wish i had someone'. it's 'do i want someone?' which is weird. i want someone. but. theres this glass wall. and if i knock it down the hosue might crumble on top of me. or it might not. either way i really haven't met anyone worth knocking it down for. or maybe i have, it's just unrequited.

should i feel lame that kids my lil sister's age have experienced more than i have in the field of love? it's not lame. its pathetic. then there's the whole deal about giving it away before marriage. i think that's where my dillemma arises. not a big fan of the before. but i don't think there's many men out there who would deal with a girl who wouldn't do them. my psych teacher last semester told us a story about two aussies who had been a couple for the longest time but never had sex. they went on vaca and decided they would. they did. they came immediately home not saying a word to the other. they never saw each other again after that.

i know this sounds pretty miniscule or inimportant in writing - there's all this ethical/religiousness flowing in my head so that's where the problems are.  eh.

i miss that boy. i wish i wasn't so rediculous to him. not that we'd be together. but i wouldn't have ran him off either. i don't know him. i think i do but i don;t. it's just how i want him to be. i want to get to know him. to see that it's not worth me thinking about him all the time even though it's been  years since i've seen him. i want to show him my potential. i have no clue who i am - so can't show him that. but i can let him know that that's not who i am - what he's seen of me before.

i was always raised with the idea that emotion made you weak. happiness = vulnerability just as much as sadness does. that i should be as mechanical as possible. i dunno. i've become really uncomfortable with my parents as they have rekindled their love. i can't be happy for them and i don't know why. i hear them in the bathroom almost every night. please don't fuck on my loofa. my lil sis's bedroom is the hallway to theirs so essentially they share a room. and my parents did it in front of her while she was sleeping a couple times. i find that revolting and disgusting. i become very upset when i hear them. i don't know if it's that i'm jealous that they're getting more action than me. but i've had an issue with sex since i was very little. i know why. someone made me do something i didn't want to do, but i don't want to spent my entire life being bitter and using that as an excuse to not get close to anyone. i hate being so bitter.

i've also been very envious and jealous lately. my sister has a new bf and spends her entire life at his house and expects all of us to come around her when she's home - which is seldom. i've shit to do and i don't have time for your bs. my life doesn't revolve around you. but somehow it always ends up that i owe her something so i can't just shove her off. she judges her friends about their nasty diseases and i wouldn't be suprised to find that she has one herself. she goes through men like water. yeah i went there.

fuuuuuccckkkkk.

i have to write this paper and my head is completely somewhere else.. and i really need to get this done but i just can't buckle down...

it's snowing. i should be so happy. innocently happy. and i'm so down. frustrated and quivering. happy snow daze guys.

Courtney [userpic]

so yeah

July 20th, 2008 (01:19 pm)

it certainly has been a while. i just want to write a few things out... was'nt quite sure where- nobody wants to really read about this on devart- so it kinda gets stuck here. 

this summer is going well i guess. pool typical- it's alright. i find myself judging people way to much. like i have somethign to prove to them. i don't really. they think less of me, i should just say screw them right? well when i see them for a few hours a frw times a week- it makes it hard to let it go. meh

i went to a coupla parties- rales and had a blast. why did i not do this before???? kinda sucks cuz now there's such little time left and it's not like we're going to be living a few houses down anymore. i haven't been taking to people- friends other than that. i want to. but then i feel like i'm intruding. some people have 'summer friends' and i don't want to interfere or be the oddman out. just wierd. and besides that a few of my good friends- i can't quite be myself around. they're nice- just a little too goody goody for me. now i'm not saying let's go get drunk and bash people's mailboxes. but lets have a drink or two. ya mean? i saw a few picks from those parties. and my god, i have gained weight. it sucks. but i know i have been. i blame it on the lyfestyle change of my parents. my mom doesn't cook as much as she used to. so now we eat out a lot more. and there's no school so i just sit at home and munch. 

and speaking thereof. my parents are weirding me out. they used to hate each other- never talk to each other. we all lived in the same house but no one know what was going on because no one ever talked to one another. i kinda miss that. my parents recently wen taway on a trip and now they're in love again. but it's really pathetic. they're so far up each other's asses that they can't think for themselves and it's SOOO awkward. i feel bad for my little sis- her room is the hallway adjacent to their room. and well my paren

Courtney [userpic]

burn burn....

July 2nd, 2007 (10:40 am)
peaceful

New Thing: peaceful

Currently Listening
Superkala
By Course of Nature
see related

well. hello. long time no chat.

a lady two doors town from me passed away last thursday night and today is the funeral. i'm not going... it's all the way in pennsylvania. my parents are there right now tho. i would have loved to go. but well... getting the whole family there would be a challenge. on friday my mother and i bought a honeybaked ham and a whole bunch of food platters and other various items and brought it over for them to eat before they left that night. better use of money than to buy flowers. but we did that too. sent them up to the funeral home. sad sad 

the other night someone stole my next door neigbor's laptop and his camcorderw/ tapes of his kids when they were little out of his car. not quite sure why would leave your valubles in your car. i believe the car was unlocked... no signs of forced entry. (duh!) it still sucks nonetheless. my mom is uneasy because the car was in the driveway (we share a driveway with them) and that was a little to close for comfort for her. I have the feeling its a bunch of kids running around just seeing what they could get. there's been a lotta new grafitti around here too. It fucking ticks me off. Why do they have to come into this little neighborhood and deface it? if i ever saw/see who's done/doing this i will not hesitate to punch them square in the mouth. wtf is wrong with people? ... and i just noticed.... one of my other neneighbors has her door boarded up..... it makes me wonder why...

got me a job. finally. at ayers. i tried to avoid it. just because everyone goes there. any many people that do i don't particularly like. but well... a job is a job. i have to work all day on the 4th. kinda sucks... but whatevs.

i wish i could quit worrying. i can never concentrate because i'm always thinking about all the possble ways i have/can still fuck(ed) up. and it's always the stupidest little shit. gah!

i went with my sis to get her tattoo. looks good. but i have realized that my sis is a slut *correction* fugly slut. she's w/ guys left and right. she's trying to "stick it" to my dad. meanwhile she's a brownnoser towards him. it's really not working.  

bumbed into harrison a bit ago. and of course i had a case of diahrrea of the mouth. it wouldn't be me if i didn't.  I asked if I had his number and i said yes. i don't. and i feel like a bitch for not calling.  Most people who know him wouldn’t advise that I get too close to him. He’s quite obsessive. I’m obsessive but he is more than I. He also is a little POsessive. I figure that I could use the entertainment. I have a habit of putting myself in bad situations just to see if I have what it takes to get out of them. but at the same time i laugh at the thought of me even remotely close to having a relatioinship with anyone.

my first photomanip in a while:

stufffffscopy

bigger: linkage



other misc bullshite:

Your Inner Retro Girl Is
1950s Pinup

Courtney [userpic]

poopy

December 23rd, 2006 (08:51 am)
busy

New Thing: busy

 

Currently Listening
Unleashed Memories
By Lacuna Coil
see related

i've been out sick all week. i've got strep and couple of ear infections. i've been sicker, it's just that this one has lasted longer. doc put me on 2000mg augumentin a day. them pills is huge. i've been kinda loopy all week. (sorry if this entry is a little off) i fell over in the doctors office because i got dizzy. i have to hold on the walls when i walk around the house so i don't fall. I feel awful tho- i made all these christmas cards for people i didn't get to give them out. would it be lame if i gave them out late? i also missed Saturnalia. damn damn damn.

anyone go to the speaks concert last night?

we got this new verizon fios tv thing and i'm totally in love. there's a kajillion music channels and then music videos on demand. so i have been broadening my musical horizons. i used to not like MCR. not that they were bad, i just used to brush them off. i'm totally digging their new one. Fall out boy, i still don't like them but their new one is catchy as hell. I'm starting to fall in love with AFI. i was watching some of their old videos when they played punk clubs and that lead singer is on to something. and of course Lacuna Coil. i'm weaning into some of this newer music. i don't know why i posted this but yeah.

sunday we're acutally going somewhere for christmas- first time in 15 years. we're going to my grandfathers which is about an hour away. but my aunts going to be there. (OMFG- drama). Tiffy won't be there, that makes me sad.

check out this this girls stuff! shes so frggin talented! http://ffbdesigns.com/shopping/index.php?main_page=index

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Courtney [userpic]

Friends Only

July 4th, 2005 (11:21 am)

Comment to be added. Thanks.

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