Current mood:	cynical
Entry tags:	fuck

so it's been a while

indeed it has been a while.

and i am a comletely different person posting here now than i was 27 weeks ago. I don't know if that's good or bad. I feel like i've completely lost my identity - and passion for that matter. but i'm not so hormonal. not so confused. more realistic. less argumentative. not so insane. but i still do have my moral issues though. which i have been curing over today which is awkward. today is just akward. i don't like it. i don't like the way i feel but i know i can't really change it for today because i haven't solved the problem thats been nagging at me today. i would like to say that most of my problems somehow are a result of the internet. i dunno. i'm still so insecure and unsure. i know where i want to go. but i don't know where i am. which is odd.   I really don't know where i want to go. i have an idea tho. i always have two sides pulling on me. I wish i could be comfortable as the outlandish rockstars are in doing things we wouldn't consider 'innocent'. i kind of have that bad edge to me i guess. but i have always wanted to keep the innocent quality. which brings up the topic of sex. im still a virgin. i'm okay with that. i'm happy about that. but there's still dilemmas of the who and when. i don't know why i'm concerned. no boyfriend. sooo.... there's nothing pressing.... it is pretty pathetic that i don't have a boyfriend. i'd like to think it's because i close people off. or i'm just picky (which i truly am) i'd like to not think it's beause i'm insane or nagging. or lame. or just a poor unexciting character. so. i don't have a boyfriend. and never have. i'm not gay so don't go there. i feel very uncomfortable. it's not 'i'm single and loving it'. it's not 'i'm single and i wish i had someone'. it's 'do i want someone?' which is weird. i want someone. but. theres this glass wall. and if i knock it down the hosue might crumble on top of me. or it might not. either way i really haven't met anyone worth knocking it down for. or maybe i have, it's just unrequited.

should i feel lame that kids my lil sister's age have experienced more than i have in the field of love? it's not lame. its pathetic. then there's the whole deal about giving it away before marriage. i think that's where my dillemma arises. not a big fan of the before. but i don't think there's many men out there who would deal with a girl who wouldn't do them. my psych teacher last semester told us a story about two aussies who had been a couple for the longest time but never had sex. they went on vaca and decided they would. they did. they came immediately home not saying a word to the other. they never saw each other again after that.

i know this sounds pretty miniscule or inimportant in writing - there's all this ethical/religiousness flowing in my head so that's where the problems are.  eh.

i miss that boy. i wish i wasn't so rediculous to him. not that we'd be together. but i wouldn't have ran him off either. i don't know him. i think i do but i don;t. it's just how i want him to be. i want to get to know him. to see that it's not worth me thinking about him all the time even though it's been  years since i've seen him. i want to show him my potential. i have no clue who i am - so can't show him that. but i can let him know that that's not who i am - what he's seen of me before.

i was always raised with the idea that emotion made you weak. happiness = vulnerability just as much as sadness does. that i should be as mechanical as possible. i dunno. i've become really uncomfortable with my parents as they have rekindled their love. i can't be happy for them and i don't know why. i hear them in the bathroom almost every night. please don't fuck on my loofa. my lil sis's bedroom is the hallway to theirs so essentially they share a room. and my parents did it in front of her while she was sleeping a couple times. i find that revolting and disgusting. i become very upset when i hear them. i don't know if it's that i'm jealous that they're getting more action than me. but i've had an issue with sex since i was very little. i know why. someone made me do something i didn't want to do, but i don't want to spent my entire life being bitter and using that as an excuse to not get close to anyone. i hate being so bitter.

i've also been very envious and jealous lately. my sister has a new bf and spends her entire life at his house and expects all of us to come around her when she's home - which is seldom. i've shit to do and i don't have time for your bs. my life doesn't revolve around you. but somehow it always ends up that i owe her something so i can't just shove her off. she judges her friends about their nasty diseases and i wouldn't be suprised to find that she has one herself. she goes through men like water. yeah i went there.

fuuuuuccckkkkk.

i have to write this paper and my head is completely somewhere else.. and i really need to get this done but i just can't buckle down...

it's snowing. i should be so happy. innocently happy. and i'm so down. frustrated and quivering. happy snow daze guys.